Creating a Life beyond Recognition!

Duck & Dive!

What a day this has been? Last night, I was lying on the couch in front of the TV until 3am when the local mozzys' decided that it was time for me to go to bed. Luckily in the bedroom there were mozquito nets to prevent that sleezy bastard to suck these well poluted beer vanes of mine.....

Anyway, this morning I was up and about around 7am for my first day of SCUBA diving. I always believed that if God wanted me to be a fish, He would have made me one, but boy, was I wrong? The day didn't really start off that well because I soon realised that I forgot to pack my swimming shorts yesterday when I left in a hurry from my house in Mlandizi. So this morning I rushed to all the shops to try and find shorts for me to wear to the beach, but I have to admit that my luck was on a short rope today. I eventually decided that I will go to the diving shop expressing my concern that my belief was that they will supply a wetsuit for the duration of the certification. Man, should I have been an Indian and I owe my grateful bargaining tactics to one little Gujrati speaking bloke back on the island. I wonder if I spelled that correctly by the way. Anyway, as I walked into the diving centre I was greeted by a fierce looking lady and I thought that she was angry because I was about 15minutes late (because of the traffic or rather slow fucking drivers). Oh god, I miss Mauritius’s drive style!

So, I got all the administration shit out of the way and they showed me the way to the TV where I was suppose to get ready for a PADI presentation. To my misbelieve, I found out that the fierce looking lady was actually also a newly registered apprentice for the course. Normally, I could not keep my mouth quiet, but because I was the guilty person of being late I decided that it was a really good plan to shut the fuck up. The 2 ladies next to me started chatting and they wanted to find out where I'm from and what I was doing here....Halloooo, duh....I'm doing a the PADI course. Why would I be here in front of the DVD presentation? Actually, they were only interested in my presence in Dar...Ooops! So, but I soon realised that they were only Americans and 85years old.....Or I think so. So, who are they? Jess, sorry, but no offence! To make a very long day just a little bit shorter....

It turns out that there is actually a shit load South Africans around here. Every second bastard speaks Afrikaans. What the fuck? Small J'oburg in Dar, come on.......really! I'm not going to complain at all. Maybe I can find some HOT Afrikaans speaking chick or maybe some diamond driller's wife here....NO, NEVER. NOT ME! I do not do shit like that ever! Come on, I need one of you guys to back me up right now...... So, halfway through the movie I told these guys I need to go for a smoke break when this fucking old American chick turns around and say to me that divers do not smoke.... I thought by myself...."F....ing B...ch, if I'm going to get hold of you I will personally f...ing bash your f....ing ugly face to the f....ing ground....you sick freak" but I turned around and reply very gently that I also drink like a fucking freak!

So, eventually we got through the 5 sections and 3 hours later with all my smoke breaks involved and decided that we should go for lunch because it was 1pm already. Man, $10 for a hamburger and a beer...anyway. So now it was time for us to go and practice what we saw on the DVD’s in the pool. So I thought. The little Mototo of a local decided according to the rules and regulations of PADI, that every newly registered applicant should fist do 200meters of swimming and then 10minutes of surviving techniques as floating in the pool. Normally that would have been easy, but since I'm a heavily smoker and drinker with a hamburger and a draught beer behind me, I really thought today will be the day that I will die in a very shallow swimming pool. But I will survive! Jess, this song is for you, remember on Nachi's Bday? So, after finishing with the Olympic attempt, we eventually got to the tank, B.C.D, regulator and so forth. man, this guy was only repeating what the movie said. Like always I was in front of the cue with my hand up asking the teacher to ask me that question type of thing. Comprendre? The instructor eventually ask me if I ever dived before and the old chicks thought that I'm a genius....Hey guys, just watch the fucking movie and a little bit of logic is all needed for survival! So, to be quite fair to those old ladies....fuckoff and die.....you stupid sons/daughters of bitches.

Anyway, we got through the first pool session as well as all the movies today, so I thought the chicks will give tomorrow a miss and let me finish on my own with my own fast pace. No, they will attend tomorrow's session as well, but luckily only to mid day. Yippeeee! So, by tomorrow I will be finish with the swimming pool sessions and I will go for my 4 dives next weekend with that fucking exam shit going on....Ach Sheiße....but hey, after that I can go SCUBA with Uma, Anne and my German Buddies. Timo, I do not know if you can scuba.

So that was my beautiful Saturday and just got worst when my beloved Blue Bulls lost the Currie Cup. Dirk, no fucking a word from you, comprendre? So, I will update again soon on my latest happening and there might be just something interesting to tell you guys by tomorrow evening.

Enjoy your evening! Küsse Sich!

posted by Gordon van den Heever @ 9:15 pm