Creating a Life beyond Recognition!

Forfeit that What Once Was!

It was yet one of those weeks where I krept into my mind and did a lot of soul searching. It was not about anything/anyone special but me. Like my friend always like to remind me that I'm special and Unique.....but yet somehow I do stand alone in this world determining the extent of my destiny.

At this point of time, I do not want to mention too much, but it is definately one of those decisions that will defintely determine if I could be satisfied at a latter stage. There are no guarantees and a maybe too much sacrifices, but it is something I believe in. Something that determined who I was for so long and something that might reunite me with thought/dream that I came to love. No, I'm not talking about my relationship/ex-relationship with Edina, but to some extent it does concern her in a very weird way. I'm thinking in a way that this decision could maybe bring some satisfaction to my needs that I fought for so long......

I'm a person that do make a lot of impulsive decisions, but this one took me a real long time to really understand to what extent I need to go to prove to myself that well. I always believe that you need to do something if you really believe in it and it could benefit a lot of people in a good and positive way. We are all alone in this world and we need to take care of ourselves otherwise will do it for us? We are all put on this earth, because of a reason and the people you love are only there to help, support and guide you through your life, but at the end, you were born alone and you will die alone. So this is what basically determines the "REAL YOU". To find the strength to do something that you purely believe in.

This decision took me to the very lows and in a way to some sort of highs. So much so that I could not do it on my own and searched for guidence. The way I'm living my life is based on inner happiness. To find the ways how to control the level of internal happiness. Of coarse different things give people a different level of happiness and not one of us are the same, but what makes me happy is really important to me.

I went to a Budhist Temple over the past weekend to try and convince myself that what I'm doing is the right thing. I've spoken to the MONK and somehow I found comfort and guidance in his words of wisdom. The big thing is that I do not really believed in any religion and he confirmed just by the way that Budhism is not a religion, but a life style. A lifestyle that controls personal satisfaction and happiness if you live by it. I'm not a Budhist, but I do believe in some of their ways. He took me into this temple and we kneeled down in front of the Buddah statue and explained to me that one can only make the right decisions in life if you are totally calm and your mind at rest. For the past couple of weeks my mind was just running and for the first time I was really calm. Somehow I battled to keep all the thoughts out of my mind when I sat down and started meditating. First of all, I was really uncomfortable sitting down with strangers and they pray to something/someone that I know very little about. But at this one point I was really calm and my mind was so clear of everything that bothered me for so long. It was like I was sleeping, but not sleeping at all and I heard nothing around me at all. It was just me & me alone. Feeling the calmness that I so dearly missed for so long in my life and that feeling, OH man, that feeling felt just so perfect and I wished that I could go on with that forever.

I know forever is a very long time, but I was in a place where I did not have to fear anyone, where I did not have any problems or important decisions to make. A place where I had no pain and no goals or a place where I did not have to think of anyone except of myself. This was really amazing and when I opened my eyes I just knew what was the right dicision..... It was really just so forfilling......I wish I could show you guys that place, but it is definately a place that you need to find for yourselves. I do not have any words at all, but AMAZING.....So this was my BIG lesson for this weekend......

I met up with this one Italian dude, that live in South Africa for 20 years and 5 years in Germany......I wish you guys could hear how this guy spoke about Germany.....I could feel his passion your country.....Really, really amazing talk. If there is something/someone that made me really want to come to Germany, it was this guy.....Thanks Frank.....

posted by Gordon van den Heever @ 1:15 pm